apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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