Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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