i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Randomize
