I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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