There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
