I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
