Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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