i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
