my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
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The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
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We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
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