i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
