you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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