I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
