i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
