You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Randomize
