Your mouth is God's brothel.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
