my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
