If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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