Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
