Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
