Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
