I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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