Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
