You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
