My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
