this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
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