I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
