Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Randomize
