If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
