they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
