i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
He better not be in your backpack
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
