Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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