im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
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can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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