Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
