How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
The beer is more important than you right now.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
