She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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