you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
