so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
You made out with two different species that night
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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