ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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