He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
