Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Randomize
