I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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