the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
