Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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