you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Randomize
