At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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