i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I stole a fireplace last night.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
