sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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