this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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