five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
