god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
