Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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