this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
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