I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Randomize
