so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
