she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
