I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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