Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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